Miscarriage, fear & healing



Some of you may already know this, but I recently had a miscarriage late in my first trimester. The bad news came as a total shock, as days previous I went to the Doctor and left with good news, seeing the baby's strong heartbeat and normal growth. All was well.... and I was excited to soon enter into the second trimester. It seemed that after an emotional experience with two foster children who left our home after only one month this year, that this pregnancy was surely a gift.... and it was going to be therapeutic for our family after all we had endured. We were all very excited to enter this new season, we had already started to dust off the baby car seat, pack n play and such and move the house around to accommodate this new little Hursh baby.

 At this last particular ultrasound appointment, my Dr paused as he tried to find the heartbeat. The pause felt like an eternity and I immediately felt sick. A wave of surreal sadness crashed over me. I urgently asked, if everything was ok? I had questions, why? was it something I ate? did I workout too hard? Was something wrong with my body? The emptiness I felt surprised me. I had heard of other people miscarrying and while I felt terrible for their loss, I never really knew the weight of it. I think it has been easy for me to have this stance as both of my babies came naturally with no risks, every time they did an ultrasound, the thought never crossed my mind that the heart beat would be absent. My biggest struggles during my pregnancies were of the typical, fatigue and some morning sickness. I was now in new territory... and my heart was shattered.

What hurt the most was leaving the office that morning, holding back tears, forcing a weak smile for the kids sake. I wanted to call Donnie and cry my eyes out on the phone with him, but I had to wait until the kids were down for naps. I had to find words to explain to them why their little baby sister or brother was not going to be born. And lastly, my belly, at 11 weeks, already protruding, the nails longer, firmer, my cheeks on my face rounder...... yet....  the baby was not alive anymore..but still in my body. That was the most disturbing and sad feeling yet.

Many people have asked how my children handled it, McCoy was devastated, sobbing. Italia { not totally getting it } rubbed my belly and asked me quickly for a piece of gum.  The hardest thing about being a Mom is having to hold things together, when you want to fall apart, lay on the floor and wail.
Seeing McCoy cry, made me cry..... but that time for us to cry together I believe truly helped her move forward as she seems now stronger and more fearless than ever.

My healing didn't come as quickly however, because the mental block of having the baby still in my belly was messing badly with me. I really wanted to do the D&C and get on with the healing process.... but before I could make up my mind, I was fortunate enough to miscarry naturally shortly after, at home, near the bathroom, with my husband near by and my kids asleep. Gods grace and peace surrounded us. I felt so devastated to see the sac.... yet also relieved.....it gave me a tiny bit of closure and began my healing process.

Now weeks later... cheeks less round, belly looking less pregnant... and strong long nails breaking. The less pregnant I look and feel, I am finding my pep in my step return to me. I am healing slowly.... and yet I feel strong. Strong because I know that God loves me and my family, and his plan is perfect. Stronger because I still have hope.

As difficult as this has been for me,  I tend to sweep my sadness under a rug of " busy". Maybe that is not the most proper way to deal, but it has always worked for me. My best friend came to visit me a few days after we found out that sad news, and the distractions of her company and relishing in the blessings I have right around me... really helped me. I also took a week off from work, went to sea world with my family, watched re-runs of duck dynasty and played with the dogs. I actually can say, I enjoyed this time... my body and mind needed it.

People ask if we will try again. ... I'm still too sad to think about getting pregnant again or even fostering/adopting, I'm sure time will heal this fear. I feel like I am in a season of truly pressing into God to see whats next.  So many blessings and hardships have occurred this year....  its been a great but painful year to recap.{ between the foster children and this } a lot of loss and pain.....but I feel hopeful still... " struck down, but not destroyed".

I am 35, I really thought this was the last pregnancy for me. I tremble a bit at the thought of another pregnancy.. No ultrasound in the future will ever be without some level of anxiety. I feel great empathy now for a woman who has miscarried many times, the hope lost, the empty car seats, baby swings and cribs, that need to put back in the garage. The idea and daydream of who was coming, how they would add to our family in such a unique way, all lost. A part of me wants to protect myself and my family from that heartache ever again.... but then another part of me, knows my God too well... to believe he will keep me in that place of fear. I am confident I will heal up and be stronger because of this.

Writing my thoughts today is strangely curative. I felt ready to share today... and I think that means I am feeling stronger and ready to move forward out of fear and into more trust and peace.

I found this quote today and it made my heart sing..
Hardships often prepare ordinary people for an extraordinary destiny- Cs Lewis






10 comments:

  1. I am so sorry for your loss and the pain and dissapointment you have to endure. But with each passing day you will feel stronger and able to move forward. You are in my prayers.

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  2. This made me cry, I love you so much friend

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  4. made me cry too. i love you so, and im so sorry you had to endure this. i can picture sweet mccoy sobbing... breaks my heart. but i do know you will all be so much stronger for this. you already are, even through your fear. time will heal this and god will show you what the next step is. you have a beautiful faith. love you!

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  5. Your post brought this passage to my mind and I thought I would share:
    "There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens: a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance, a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing, a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away, a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak, a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace... He has made everything beautiful in its time."
    -Ecclesiastes 3:1-8, 11
    Though I do not personally know you, I am most definitely praying for you during this time and have been blessed by your honesty!

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  6. Shawna,

    I went through a similar experience and after I opened up about it like you just did. I realized how many of us women go through this and you will heal. What you just wrote was the start of it and know that you may have comforted thousands of women with your story in doing so. Sending you much peace.

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  7. Shared this on my page and with 2 close friends who recently miscarried. I love your writing and your honesty. Love you friend.

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  8. I'm so sorry Shawna. A miscarriage is not an easy thing to go through. I know your pain but your heart, soul and mind are in the right place. Your faith is so strong and God is watching over you. I hope you feel better real soon.

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  9. Sweet Mama! Your honesty and openness is beautiful. I too had the experience of a miscarriage, 2 actually both after my first 2 kiddos, 2 healthy pregnancies and 2 healthy babies, a 9 year old girl and a 4 year old boy. Then 2 miscarriages about a year apart. I have since had my 3rd baby, another boy who is now 7 months and I turned 38 years old in May. Losing a baby definitely takes a certain innocence out of the pregnant experience and like you mentioned no ultrasound will ever be the same. BUT with that lost innocence and added anxiety there comes a bigger joy when welcoming your next little one into your family. Like through the struggle the light shines brighter. Your words were all so real and I myself have felt exactly like much of what you said. Thank you for letting us witness your truth and for shining a light on being honest and healing through a tough life experience. I am sending you an armful of blessings. May your heart heal and all be good for you and your sweet sweet lil fam. <3

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