He who tries to save his life.....

Those of you who read my blog... you know that we are in the process to foster/adopt through CPS. We were licensed months ago, but have not yet been approved for any referral we have said yes too.... and for the record we have said yes to ALL of them. It has shocked many in the adoption process and even those who have been through the process already.  Totally frustrated Donnie & I to the point of defeat... where we actually contemplated giving up.

Our reasoning behind wanting to give up is this.... if there are so many orphans that need homes..
where are they?Why are we not being chosen. If there are so many families competing for these children... than maybe we are not needed.           LIE!

We believed this lie for an entire day and even wrote our case worker telling her we were quite frustrated and felt mislead. Yet God assured us the next day after a good nights rest... we were just emotionally taxed and needed to stay on board for the sake of these children.... because we are truly called to keep going.... and God has a child out there for us.

People say the adoption process is difficult.... but no-one prepared me for how challenging the "referral process" alone would be. I can not make plans or prepare for anything. I do not know when, or who. Girl, boy,sibling group, situation, background, yes, no. I am totally out of control. Waiting by my phone like a boy crazy teenager for the placement agency to call....... and I must continue to wait right where I am with no relief. 

Just like a nesting pregnant Mama... i want to prepare and know who is coming.When they are coming....  and all of that good stuff. Control..... is what I want. Don't we all ....?

Yesterday we got a referral for a 3 week old baby boy. Born late because his mother refused prenatal care, he was born with several health complications that he would not have had otherwise. His parents signed over their rights right on the spot and left him alone in the NICU...... 

They just left......... him .... all alone..... suffering.... 

We were called as im sure many other adoptive families were.... and we said yes quickly... and were submitted for this baby boy... even though we never intended for our adoption to be a newborn, nor a newborn with health issues.

We all prayed together as a family last night... just so heavy for this sweet baby..... each one of us prayed... the kids prayers were so sweet and encouraging... and the kids asked to pray again today for the baby boy... " they get it".  Time is crucial... and he has no-one to pray on his behalf. Can you imagine that?

Last night, I dreamt of this baby boy...  they call him " Baby Moses "and that he was ours....  every 5 minutes, my thoughts get turned towards him... and then it hit me.... right in the face. I am called to pray, pray like a loving mother. A mother that might never even get to meet this baby. Our home might not be chosen.... but he is motherless at this very moment...... and so at this moment... I have decided to be his mother.

So as my thoughts turn to him, I realize God is prompting me to again pray, the redundant prayer... over and over.... my cries.... echo... what a mother would do... a desperation for her son to be made well... for a miracle to take place in his body. I know God can do it. 

If we are not chosen, we may never know how this little boy fared.... and each of these referrals leave a gap in our hearts... as we feel we were not given closure to these children. We don't know where they end up, and who is loving on them... or more importantly if anyone at all is loving on them. 

Some of you may say, "Wow... you are such a good person"... which is what I hear said to adoptive families all the time... you have such a beautiful heart... I could never do that.... I admire that you can. I want to address that... as I know it comes from good intention... but it is not all true.

1. I am afraid... I am human... I like my comfy little life, my Starbucks and taking vacations too. It does scare me to walk into the unknown and lay my life down for someone else.... it terrifies me. My heart is not more beautiful, but maybe more willing to be broken. I realized early on, that this thing we are signing up for might be heart ache.... and yet... who am I?? and why is my heart more valuable than the already wounded orphan. A friend of mine said it best, your heart breaking over losing a foster child to be reunited with their parents { if that be the case} would no doubt be gut wrenching for you... but maybe that child needed you at that moment in their life to witness someone cry for them, sad to see them go... many of these children have never experienced that kind of love ever.

2. You "could" do it.... and you may have to someday.... we will all suffer in some way here on earth.
Most of our suffering comes with great reward... most of it produces Godly character... as no easy comfortable life ever produced anything of great value... yet a trial can change us entirely. I immediately thought of what God says,

If you cling to your life, you will lose it, and if you let your life go, you will save it. Luke 17:33

I am pretty sure that when we hide from anything that makes uncomfortable, God will allow hardships in our life to teach us. It's not a matter of saying yes or no to difficulty. Its a matter of letting go and realizing we are not in control. We are not in charge... we did not choose this.. God did. Yet we chose to obey.... the alternative, {not listening" is much scarier to us }

Here is where the Oh crap! comes in........and all the tears that have been shed on my drive home.You guys will NEVER believe this... actually you may... if you know our God and the CRAZY way he works....you won't be shocked one bit. 

I was on a long drive by myself, today { rare } spent a lot of time in prayer,
  crying out to God about this baby. 
I tell God..... in the most " not eloquent way"
God... I want to be like David
I want to talk to you so real... like you are right here.
I know you know my fears.
I am a fearful person...... but yet there is peace in this crazy thing.
I beg he continues to walk alongside me....

 I get to my destination... I go into to buy fabric from this lady today... and we are having small talk. {I did not mention anything about this baby to her }like I said, we were JUST having small talk. Out of no where...  she starts telling me about her grandson, how he was born late and in the NICU... how he had hypoxia, pneumonia etc... many of the same things that "baby Moses" has. She tells me how the Dr's said he may be brain damaged or die .... She is speaking so sadly about it... I begged to know the outcome.... How is he now? I pleaded... on the edge of my seat... knowing that God anointed this conversation....  and this answer was for me.

She scrambles to show me a picture of a beautiful  boy who is almost three, with a little slanted eye.
he was beautiful .... amazing... glorious.... A MIRACLE. She said other than his two eye surgeries, he has had no problems. He is a playful  and smart and very talkative. I leaped for joy! Praise you God... Praise you!

and then I grabbed her hand and thanked her from the depths for sharing her story with me...
The Lord met me today at the fabric shop.
A gift of peace.
Nothing by accident.

And we continue to pray for " Baby Moses".....  his healing, his miracle!
Will you join me ????.... Lets all be his desperate mother today.
Crying out on his behalf.


  1. Hello! I will be prying for y'all! I completely understand the journey:) it's emotional. My husband and I fostered children and were able to adopt two beautiful boys through Cps! If you ever wanted to connect, we live in Wimberley and my husband is a pastor of a church out here:) my email is debibelvin@gmail.com. I keep a quote from Joan of arc on my wall, "I'm not afraid, I was born to do this." It's so worth it!! Fully living and risking so that others may live. God is soveriegn and He will give you the desires of your heart!

  2. I love that you share your beliefs on your blog. Keep up your good work!


  3. This breaks my heart for Baby Moses all alone and excites it in the same way for what amazing thing God's up to! Just as He used Moses to rescue a nation, I believe He's going to use this baby for something great. Don't give up hope! Matthew 18:20 "For where two or three gather in my name, there am I with them." Your family and Baby Moses will be in my prayers.
    God will provide.