A New Story.....being written.

Before I became a mother, I was not moved by much. I would hear a tragic story and although feel pain for the ones who were walking through it.. I could still rebound rather quickly back into my happy bubble. I felt bad at times and questioned my position as a Jesus Follower. Shouldn't my heart be more broken? broken for the things that break his?

When I became a Mother however, my heart shattered into a million helpless pieces. I immediately understood what it meant to truly love someone sacrificially.  The concept that God loved us more than we can ever love anything or anyone blew my mind... Loving something as much as I did now, hurt....and humbled me. The gift of life, the honor to be a parent.... but also the deep well of pain that left my heart wondering about all the children who were neglected, abused and forgotten. The children who were not loved...like my children were.

About three or so years ago we cancelled the cable. I have been in a season of guarding my heart from the things on TV for the last three years.  { please don't misunderstand what I am saying about TV..this is my opinion on how TV effects me } We live in a fallen world and if we look towards the world there is so much to be fearful and anxious about. I knew that I needed to look to the heavens.

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things. Philippians 4:8

I couldn't stomach to watch the news or any of the garbage that was on TV for that matter. It gave me a glimpse of how much God hates sin, how it grieves him so much he cant even look at it. This glimpse brought me to my knees....and had me begging for forgiveness for the things I had done that grieved God..  The thought of grieving him,  began to grieve me deeply. 

The last three years I have been living in the middle. I would best explain it as living with one foot in the boat and another on the dock. As you can imagine that is a pretty rocky place to be.  For the most part I carry around a lump in my throat every time I witness or think of the injustices being done on children... and the other part of me wants to sweep it under a rug of ignorance. Missing the comfort of a intact heart, a sunny disposition and a mayberry life.

When does God begin his special plan in a life? Is it when he gives a promise or when he finally brings the promise to pass? Although it may not always be obvious to us, there seems to be one distinct moment where God begins a new story in each of our lives. He writes words on our hearts that long to be spoken and strain to be lived out. Then with his own great hand, he begins to write the script. he supernaturally orders our lives. Only when we look back and reflect on what appeared to have been the ordinary events of life does it become clear what a miracle the Lord has performed.
- The strength of Mercy  P.7

So for years I have felt like a seed had been planted.. yet there was no harvest... no fruit... 
and for someone who likes to get things done and be productive... it was an agonizing wait.

Until things drastically changed.

I would go to sleep and lay in bed.... trying to concentrate on mundane and happy things to lull myself to sleep... it could be as simple as potted succulents on my porch.. which would immediately surprise me as I was eyes full of tears, laying their dwelling on the vision of lined up cribs in an orphanage. Volunteers taking turns changing and feeding babies to just lay them back down in the crib. Many of these children spend their entire first year of life confined to a crib... without much human touch. Many nights I would lay there.. serious contemplating that there might be something seriously wrong with me.... as these visions just seemed to torture me... yet I could not bring my thoughts back to simple pleasures.

And your ears will hear a word behind you, 
"This is the way,walk in it"
whenever you turn to the right or to the left.
Isaiah 30:21

My donations to various orphanages through PPP through out the years have been a step in obedience... hoping that God would come with answers and build my path. I am going to be honest though, I have felt unmoved by them. Sending a check to a remote place... has done nothing for my heart, while I'm sure the money helped in a small way where the orphanages and missionaries have needed it... I knew God was calling me to give more.  Greater Financially giftings are not within my resources currently so it was clear God wasn't asking for more of my money... he wanted something else....

He wanted my life.

Since this had been spoken to my heart... my unsettling grief quickly turned into excitement and the most colorful joy I had ever known was starting to set forth. I was bouncing with excitement when I talked it over with my husband. I told him I felt I wanted to consider adoption. At one point I was explaining how we could build several bunk beds in our hallway. I was ready to get a bus and take in kids now. He wasn't as excited. He agreed that we are to care for the orphans as God instructed... but he wasn't sure that meant us moving children into our home.

With my husbands decline... I strangely felt at peace. While my nights of tossing and turning thinking about babies lined up in cribs didn't change... I knew there was nothing tangible I could do about it if my husband was not on board. I knew that God would have to work in the heart of my husband, or it wasn't his true calling for us... so I left it alone... and didn't even mention the word adoption for almost a year.

I cant document every little thing that happened in the last year.. leading up to this... but lets just say in short.. God was blunt, families were coming out of the woodwork's that have fostered and adopted and blessed us with their stories, churches we visited would share on the subject.... it was becoming increasingly difficult to ignore God was talking to us.

Then one day while driving in the car- out of the blue- my husband says to me-  I want to take adoption classes and at least get certified... I have a lot of questions and if anything.. would like to get those questions answered. I squealed inside. 

So as many of you know already.. {after this blog} we took the classes and completed them. My husband and I both agree that there is no turning back now... we are ready to be used by him.  Don't hold me to the details because we are moving with Gods leading totally. As of now we are considering Foster/adopt or just go straight for adoption through our local CPS in Texas. We have completed our classes through Pathways and are currently fulfilling paperwork. We are unsure of the age,sex and race of the child. We feel like we will know when God tells us "this is the child/ren". There are still so many unknowns in this process. We are just taking it moment by moment....

I covet your prayers for our family during this time... and if you would join me to start praying for this child/ren that God determines to be part of our family. I also respectfully ask that if you have your own personal fears or objections about adoption that you would kindly not share them here. Fear is an epidemic in our world and I am guarding my heart from any distractions and detours the enemy might put in my path.



Thank you for listening with an open heart- :) 

5 comments:

  1. Beautiful, just like you. I am so happy for you and thrilled to witness this journey. I wish you all the best!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Love this, how encouraging! I have felt led to adoption for a few years now, and my husband and I are considering it an option for our family!

    ReplyDelete
  3. oh! my! goodness!!!! this is GREAT news!!! and adoption/fostering just seems to fit so well with you guys! i went on a mission trip to leoagne haiti at the beginning of august and we got to spend every day but one at the orphanage there and it was incredible!!! these children have no parents, no family, just each other and they are so beautiful! and 2 couple (both are dear friends) are raising money at this very moment to adopt 3 children from that very orphanage. i could write for days about my experiences. there is a new orphanage being built and opened by a couple from arkansas, its called hope rising (www.hrch.org) and to be able to meet this awesome couple, share a mission experience with my closest friends, and see the love of these children was one of the best experiences of my life. and in 2 weeks i am getting married and we have already decided that we will adopt at least one child, maybe 2. we are so excited to begin the process!!!i wish you guys all the best, i will be praying for you along with my friends, and myself, that we will find grace, humility, patience, and love during this long and stressful process.

    ReplyDelete
  4. OH my gosh.. So many words you've spoken and written I feel have come from my heart and mind as well. You are such an amazing person, and I was honored to read this post. We aren't in the right stage of our lives to adopt, but I think about it everyday! Congrats! Much love, hope and prayers!
    <3xojo

    ReplyDelete