finding myself.




I have a problem. I lost myself. I am kidding {kind -of } You see when I became a Mom... I lost myself... it was really awkward and painful... and natural in a weird way. I used to take lots of naps, roller skate on the beach, read lots of books, talk on the phone, get pedicures, hang out with girlfriends and obsess over shoes. I am not that girl anymore. I really don't even remember what its like to be her. She was kinda cool.... from what I can remember.  If you promise not to tell her... a wee bit on the self centered side though.

From the moment I became a Mom, being away from my kids has been truly difficult for me. Once McCoy came along....It was like I forgot about me totally. I became so entrenched in with the concerns of being Mom.... and wanting to do good by her...I sorta handed over all the small details of who I used to be. I kinda had too.... you see life is B.U.S.Y. People ask... " how do you do it all "? My reply... " I don't"!  I don't get manicures, go to concerts.... or even have time to cultivate friendships. Its a season. Its a very full season. My closest friends know... I hardly ever pick up my phone,  I forget birthdays, decline invites and sweep my floor only when I finally cant stand the bits of dust and rice on my feet. Dude.... its busy! Is your heart palpitating yet? Mine is!

PPP has been the vehicle for me to stay home with my kids.... but good golly.. it has not been easy... and I have lots of days where I admire the Mom who has a career outside of the home.  PPP has kept me working late into the night... Working on weekends, working a lot... and working some more.  Work. Kids.Work.Kids.Work. Kids. That has been the summary of the last five years of my life. I always say how incredibly thankful I am to be home with my kids.... but I'm not going to pretend its been easy or glamorous. Most days I am in a robe... a rats nest for hair... and lucky to get a shower by 2pm.  Are you starting to feel sorry for my husband? Well... in case you were wondering...  things are on an upswing...I'm showering again!! 

 I almost didn't notice I lost myself over the years... because I absolutely love my kids and I love my job... so as difficult and long as the days were... I am passionate about both. And while an occasion melt down would happen.... life didn't seem lost, strange, or even out of balance. I was a Mom... and life was as it should be... i thought. I am a good Mom. I have the confidence and boldness to say..I know that's a sorta thing we shouldn't say about ourselves.. but hey... there are only a few things I can say with such certainty. Being a good Mom... sorta surprised me and sprung out of me... like this natural tendency... just waiting for the right time. By all means, I have loads to learn... but I like being a Mom. it suits me.

Well here is where things got hairy.... Being a Mom and Being a PPP fairy.... have masked my identity. making me unrecognizable. Unless a conversation is about baby wipes or patchwork skirts.... I am at a loss.... and lets face it.. there is more to life than this folks. Recently my husband and I were discussing making choices about McCoys extra curricular activities when he stuttered a few profound words... that hypothetically flung off a rusty lid of my brain.  He said... " At some point you also need to consider what works best for your schedule..". I was floored. My Jaw probably dropped. This reasoning sounded so logical... and right... yet it was as if I forgot about it all these years. His words resonated somewhere deep inside of my lost self. "Me? What works best for me? Well.... it made me think... what does work best for me? I felt like I was mentally digging..... I had to think long and hard on this one... and struggle to remove the gum that connected what works best for me.... and what I thought was best for the kids. 

Long story short.... over the last few weeks... I have been becoming acquainted with "Shauna"... the girl outside of Patchwork skirts and baby wipes. PPP is not who I am. And Mom... is only one title of who I am. There is more to me!  Realizing that my busy schedule has gotten way out of hand...my Doctor told me.. he suggests I make all efforts to lower my stress levels.... and my sweet husband insisted I hire some help { in the form of a maid... and an occasional babysitter }when I drafted up what my week will look like with the NEW help... I actually exhaled... and went and got a spray tan!

Who knows.. I may even start answering the phone....... 


P.S.  Im so inspired I might even start posting some more "What I wore" blogs... because I have a certain feeling... that I will be ditching more regularly the robe and rats nest...


3 comments:

  1. im sooooo happy to read this post. i know youve been feeling this way for so long. and in a way, its an easy mask to hind behind, i know b/c i do it too. even though im not a momma yet, i know what it feels like to have a business run you and define you at times. im so glad you are taking some time for you, and im so excited to maybe see some outfit posts, eeek! the more you do it, the more youll realize it really only takes 10 minutes each day, which in the big picture is not that long if you just make it happen. And for us stay at home makers, I can tell you that those little outfit posts reallly do make such a big difference for your self esteem, b/c we dont go out alot and have that confidence that so many others do. Really shauna, I think it would be good for you. I went through a period where I felt like it was just narcisistic of me to post them, but digging deeper, Ive come to know that it helps keep me balanced within my own self in this area, and when it comes down to it, I know Im not, I was just more concerned about others thinking that. And it just really doesnt matter what others think. So do it for a while and see if it helps your self esteem, and if so, its worth it! Geez Im a rambler this morning.

    I love the pics of you and McCoy in your last post. And the ones youve been posting of yourself are so very beautiful.

    Ive been feeling the same way socially too. When I said early about hiding behind those things,I think its b/c we feel so limited in our conversation that it is easier to hide. I get that way.

    Anywho, I love you, ha ha! Sorry for the book!

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  2. well i'll tell you, i can completely identify with this. i became a mother at 19, and while there is no "right time" to do so, i definitely was NOT ready, by any means for how all-consuming motherhood is. i forgot about myself as well, mainly because i couldn't find the energy to do anything other than make the best life possible for my son. of course now, i realize in retrospect, that he would have benefited from mommy being a little bit more pampered and relaxed. yeah, that might have been good.
    anyway, i think if you are a good mom, shout it from the roof-tops!! seriously! there is absolutely nothing wrong with saying that (in my opinion). i mean, how often does a woman just let herself flat-out say, "i am good at this. i am." almost never, that i hear.
    great post shauna. :)

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  3. I love love love this. I'm already dealing with this--going from working full time with my money and time as my own to (BAM) two kids in 2 years!! Its been all breastfeeding and cloth diapers now. I need to find that balance. Thanks for this :)

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