I am a hermit... its true. I enjoy being at home...close with those that know me...
care about me... understand me... get me.... love me.
I wasn't always this way though.
I think at some point..
i grew tired of mis communications, challenges
and friendships that didn't weather even the mildest storm.
Not wanting to be vulnerable.
I curl up. At home.
In my safe place...
surrounded by family.
In my bubble full of my select few friendships.
People who know me.
People I don't have to prove myself too.
They just love me no matter what.
People think because I make colorful clothes and I am friendly.
I must be a people person.
I would rather slip in and out of places.
Not having to do hellos and goodbyes.
its very awkward.
and please dont get me started on my telephone anxiety.
The phone is only for emergencies.
The phone is only for emergencies.
I don't want to be the type of person who asks someone how they are doing
while going through the motions who isn't sincerely interested in the answer.
I want to care... I want to be "present".
Yet... sometimes.. I just don't feel like "mingling"
I cant do fake conversations. They make me really anxious.
I have opinions... sometimes they offend others. I don't like offending others...
Sometimes I also get offended... and hurt. I know its only natural...
But isn't it only my pride really that hungers so desperately to be understood?
My Pastor from years ago... told me " Shauna, don't be an island".
and those words stuck with me for all these years.
I want community.... I want to love on people.
I want to help others.
I want to love others the way Christ instructs us too
but sometimes to be honest... people just fail me.
over and over.
hurt me... burn me... and if I am really going to be honest here.
flat out annoy me.
Go to an event on a busy Saturday.
A full parking lot.
People pushing through other people
Someone blows their cigarette smoke right at your face.
Yup, you are still supposed to LOVE people.
I like to keep strangers at arms length distance.
I like to meet new people.
when I am in the mood.
I want community..
when community appeals to me.
I don't want miscommunication
difficulties... trust issues.
rejection.... or WORSE
Who wants all that?, right?
This last Sunday at church..I prayed that God would reveal to me
what I am so afraid of... ?
That vulnerability of being....available.
And God has been speaking to me.....
Just like Marriage isnt designed to make us " happy"
but rather holy. Two people challenging each other... balancing each other.
encouraging each other....
Community also stretches us...
holds us accountable... and even
yes... fails us... as every human will.
We live in a fallen world, you know.
What a beautiful and poetic thing to say.... that we love others.
But God says anyone can love a loved one.
But its the enemy... the one who has rejected us.
the one who has done us wrong.
we are to love that person.
how can we love that person... when we don't allow that person near us
for fear of being vulnerable to them.
I am not saying we should allow abusive relationships in our life
for the sake of "being challenged"
but i am saying rather....
what if it is that VERY thing we dread.
that is the thing that is going to strengthen us for Christ.
the very thing that brings us closer to him.
yet is so very uncomfortable at times.
Community....... I need it. I need people.
I need to be vulnerable.
so that I can learn to love better.
Woah... what a head full of thoughts.
Thought id write this as it holds me accountable.
Peels the layers and keeps me vulnerable.
Today.... I hear Gods voice... " Shauna, don't be an island "