Community.. its hard.



I am a hermit... its true. I enjoy being at home...close with those that know me... 
care about me... understand me... get me.... love me. 
I wasn't always this way though. 
I think at some point..
 i grew tired of mis communications, challenges
 and friendships that didn't weather even the mildest storm.

Not wanting to be vulnerable.
I curl up. At home.
In my safe place...
surrounded by family.
In my bubble full of my select few friendships.
People who know me.
People I don't have to prove myself too.
They just love me no matter what.

People think because I make colorful clothes and I am friendly. 
I must be a people person.
I would rather slip in and out of places.
Not having to do hellos and goodbyes.
its very awkward.
and please dont get me started on my telephone anxiety.
The phone is only for emergencies.

I don't want to be the type of person who asks someone how they are doing
while going through the motions who isn't sincerely interested in the answer.
I want to care... I want to be "present".
Yet... sometimes.. I just don't feel like "mingling"

I cant do fake conversations. They make me really anxious.
I have opinions... sometimes they offend others. I don't like offending others...
Sometimes I also get offended... and hurt. I know its only natural...
But isn't it only my pride really that hungers so desperately to be understood?

My Pastor from years ago... told me " Shauna, don't be an island".
and those words stuck with me for all these years.
I want community.... I want to love on people.
I want to help others.
I want to love others the way Christ instructs us too
but sometimes to be honest... people just fail me.
over and over.
hurt me... burn me... and if I am really going to be honest here.
flat out annoy me.

Go to an event on a busy Saturday.
A full parking lot.
People everywhere.
Lines,
People pushing through other people
Yelling,
Someone blows their cigarette smoke right at your face.
Yup, you are still supposed to LOVE people.
Its hard!

I like to keep strangers at arms length distance.
I like to meet new people.
when I am in the mood.
I want community..
when community appeals to me.

I don't want miscommunication
awkwardness...
judgements...
difficulties... trust issues.
rejection.... or WORSE
"faux friendships"

Who wants all that?, right?

This last Sunday at church..I prayed that God would reveal to me
what I am so afraid of... ?
That vulnerability of being....available.
And God has been speaking to me.....

Just like Marriage isnt designed to make us " happy" 
but rather holy. Two people challenging each other... balancing each other.
encouraging each other.... 
Community also stretches us...
holds us accountable... and even 
yes... fails us... as every human will.
We live in a fallen world, you know.

What a beautiful and poetic thing to say.... that we love others.
But God says anyone can love a loved one.
But its the enemy... the one who has rejected us.
the one who has done us wrong.
we are to love that person.

how can we love that person... when we don't allow that person near us
for fear of being vulnerable to them.
I am not saying we should allow abusive relationships in our life
for the sake of "being challenged"
but i am saying rather....

what if it is that VERY thing we dread.
we fear.
we oppose.
that is the thing that is going to strengthen us for Christ.
the very thing that brings us closer to him.
yet is so very uncomfortable at times.

Community....... I need it. I need people.
I need to be vulnerable.
even hurt.
challenged.
so that I can learn to love better.

Woah... what a head full of thoughts.
Thought id write this as it holds me accountable.
Peels the layers and keeps me vulnerable.
real.

Today.... I hear Gods voice...  " Shauna, don't be an island "

6 comments:

  1. Sigh... I could have wrote this, but you put my feelings into words better than I would have been able to. I am afraid of these things as well...being vulnerable, putting myself out there, getting hurt again.

    I want to love community, be in it, because I believe thats what God wants from me but sometimes my fear stops that. A lot of the time. I want to love people, but thats hard, so hard sometimes.

    Thanks for sharing your thoughts.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Shauna & Kassie, W O W .... I have always felt these things too but have never been able to admit it to anyone (except maybe my life long bff). I've felt bad for feeling & thinking these same exact things.

    It's so easy to stay confined in our comfort zones. Sometimes the mingling & on the surface conversations feel so unfulfilling & fake .... I feel it takes much more energy to do that than say nothing at all. I work in an office & there is an awful lot of idle chit chat among co-workers. The dreaded Monday comes along when everyone is asking about your wknd & what you did ..... & then feeling compelled to ask about theirs too. I want to be interested ...... but. I do love people & I want to be more open & giving w/my time & ideas but I tend to stick w/the tried & true of my wonderful circle of friends & family.

    It feels good to know i'm not the only person who feels this way :)

    ReplyDelete
  3. oh dear, you have spoken some words right out of my heart. i know exactly what you mean and how you are feeling. so very much.

    ReplyDelete
  4. yes
    my soul resonates with this
    i feel like i am becoming more and more introverted...and i am ok with that. i know that i need time to recharge and refresh before embarking out with other people.
    BUT you have encouraged me to keep a balance. i, erica, am not an island either.

    ReplyDelete
  5. i just took a massive deep breath, cause its as if i wrote that. i feel so comforted by your words... i'm not alone. thanks SO much for sharing. wow.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Thank you for visiting my blog today--with all the things out there to choose from...and sometimes doing what others aren't, I've found myself a bit of a loner these days but with a desire to gravitate towards community--but which one? where? How? How ironic that today in class, I pulled in "I am a Rock" by Simon & Garfunkle to analyze for our poem. . .and then I read this. Not a coincidence. I'm sure of that much: ) Have a great weekend! Your style is fantabulous!

    ReplyDelete