Logical.

Logics..... we should all be logical , right?
Do things in order......step by step.... make it look pretty...... be smart.... be logical.
Last couple of days... I have been lying in bed wrestling with logics.

I feel somewhat stuck.... my biggest fear... living life in regret..... I really don't fear failing as much as I do... standing still.... and looking back... as Ive heard so many elders say.. " I wished I would have ".......

I had a purpose..... but i missed it. "Had" is such a word of the past.... there is no future in " had". Had..... scares me.

I never want to say to my children... " You know... I had always felt God calling me to do this or that with my life... but I never did.

Every day... Things nag at me.... God is poking me. Id like to say... I trust 100%..... but I doubt at times too. Sometimes the everyday presses too firm into me... and I can get distracted with laundry, nap times, and worrying about trivial things.... like putting down grass in my backyard....  {which i really want to do }

I know that God has called me to do something deeper for the orphaned. I feel like I know.... but its clouded up by doubts and fear at times..... and well, logics.
Donnie is working to get his masters electrical license.... surely we should wait till his career is more solid...or till we have my tonsillectomy paid off... or till we have this or that done....

but then God says " life will always be busy" .... there are always things in the way.

You know how it goes... the order of life..... that we pave out. things must go logically in steps., right?
I'm still trying to find bible verses that back that kind of thinking up.... but our world is so set on logics.
So I get stuck there every now and then too.

I think about my house... its a charming two bedroom.... plenty of space..... but yet sometimes I even convince myself I am feeling squished... the voice of doubt... says you would need to add on! It would be mighty weird to have a family of 5 or 6 in a home that small..... yet how do most people live in other parts of the world? We live like queens in comparison.... and what really is a need? Don't get me wrong .. Id love to add on.... yet... then I think about finances again.... that could get expensive... adding on to the house you know.

and then I think about my job....if we adopted... I would need to hire more help for PPP.... and then again.... that costs money too. I'd have to work harder.... make more money. you know... kids cost money...... does your mind ever take you on these rabbit trails?

and then the fear sets in..... and the doubts of other people... " how can you bring other children into your home.... and protect fully your own children "? You have no idea what some of these orphaned children have been through. its a HUGE RISK. Id like to say because I am a christian and I have faith in Jesus... I am immune to these thoughts... but I am not..... and I think if we are all being honest here... we would all admit..... we all can fall into this... if we take our eyes off of Jesus for just a moment.

but then I hear God..... and he is louder to me.... and he says. Shauna, you maybe don't have the gift of finances... but you are a great mother... and I want to bless a child who is mother-less. Then I weep. I will protect your children.... this is something you really cant do.. outside of me. You need to trust me. 

Baby Steps..... One foot first... then the other.
Baby Steps..... One foot first... then the other.
Baby Steps..... One foot first... then the other.
Baby Steps..... One foot first... then the other.

I am in pain over this... where to start....? Some say.... Gods perfect timing. Ive been telling myself that for 5 years now... or longer... Gods timing....  as if God will shoot down the words NOW.... is the time from the sky....... I wished that would happen. It hasn't yet. I'm not discounting Gods timing...but there are some things that are musts..... inevitables..... give ins.... we are called to " serve others"... care for the orphaned and widowed.... we are not asked too.. { when the time is right }... we are called to LIVE this way. Ouch. { they say if you cant say Amen, go ahead and say ouch }.

God instructs us to care for the orphaned and widowed... maybe not all of us are called to adopt... but ALL of us are called to Care for them. I am trying to be open what that might mean. Where can I help? What is my part? I also don't want to THINK too hard about it...  This quote sums it up: from Kisses from Katie.


“I don't always knew where this life is going. I can't see the end of the road, but here is the great part: Courage is not about knowing the path. It is about taking the first step. It is about Peter getting out of the boat, stepping out onto the water with complete faith that Jesus will not let him drown.” 

And yes... some might argue... we do help in a small % of a way from our PPP proceeds..... but my heart is not content with that. it isn't.... sometimes.. i wished it was.... then I could keep on living in my safety zone.... its comfy here.  For the first time in a long time... I am afraid. Afraid to push deeper.... what could that look like?

But I'm not comfy- I feel like I am being jabbed.... every day.... these thoughts cross my mind. I push them aside.... and work..... take care of my children.... and very often and then as I hug them, kiss them, tuck them into bed .... I think of the child.... {out there} somewhere who is going to sleep with a volunteer who will read them a bed time story. I cant fight back the tears. It hurts to care this much. It feels so big, the need.... and I so small... to fill it.

An Orphan...to enter this harsh world.. at such a tender age... feeling rejected. needing love so bad... but not ever knowing what that would be like.... feel like.... almost uncomfortable to receive it....  I can not imagine..... and yet so many of us blame our parents for the lack of this or that.... when we have had so much.....a great abundance in comparison. Imagine this rejection... really imagine it.

I think about time. Time is moving. I am but a breath.... yet I wait... contemplate.. ignore and try to rationalize.....  you know other people make good points..... its easy to listen to them.... they don't feel called... they don't feel burdened... my life looks busy and full.... they care about me... they have good intentions... sometimes I want to believe them..... and just go shopping.... or plan my next vacation... yet....that will only satisfy me for but a moment.

and then I'm back to this place...... Purpose.
its hurts because I am persuaded.
But I rejoice.. because Gods voice is still loudest.
So now what..... as time continues to flutter by. My children's faces are changing.... my husbands hair is handsomely graying, I am turning 34 this summer. I still feel 22. Where did the time go?

Time moves on.
And there are millions are children without parents.
And people like me who yearn to give love... but are distracted by the grass in our back yard...
and our to-do lists.
Right now... I pray... that God will show me the FIRST step.....
whatever it may be.

and then the next step.... and the next one.


-Amen.

3 comments:

  1. Beautiful post. I truly believe that God is not going to give you this strong of a calling without helping to provide. He loves you and knows. If you have it in your heart to do this, to adopt, wow, you are truly blessed because adopting a child is the most amazing thing anyone can do.

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  2. Totally relate to your post. We sought wise advice on this very subject and had a list of questions (potential objections)...and he told us that the only question you need to ask yourself is "Is it honorable to God?"....nothing else matters....Amy H

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  3. Wow you are fab and brave to be thinking these things and sharing them. Adoption is a long process you have plenty of chances to duck out and God has plenty of chances to close doors. Keep praying God will show you and your family your way. I will pray too as I am sure many others will. Be open to God maybe showing you a totally radical and new option. You are a radical person with a supportive God family around you. He may be calling you to something new. He will provide he has promised this in his word. It will probably not be easy but it will be an amazing adventure. Many blessings to you and yours as you figure this out.

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